the beast within... haha!

whats on ur blog? :)

hehe...

my story and how i call it a story now. anyone who would get their funny and no-choice chance to read this entry is lucky. why i think so?
it's simple. they get to read the worsest life ever and they would realize they had a better story line than i am. i dont even consider my life a failure entirely but a cheat sheet. i dont worry now as much as i worry almost about everything as before. :) here goes...

i was a gerkasaurus and a litlle morbid.

i died a couple of times and was brought to life after.

i jumped into different groups of our so-called friends and learned from each of them; from the happiest vices to the most disgusting...yah...i learned and even learned to love them.

i took a lot of risk and realized they're not worth it.

i made clumsy and hasty decisions...i almost lost myself.

i met thousands of faces and can't even imagine i was so friendly before. (sigh)

i accidentally chose the wrong friends and lost them when i thought i had to...which happened right out of my wits.

i even had my chance of being battered by my own holy mother of ***. (damn i dont want to remember...)

i fell unto snake pits i should hav decided not to but was too vulnerable and fragile (yes, i was).

i even tried to pull this little triger on this little helpless revolver i found from my mom's bag.

i tried to run away from school...not that i just tried...i did it when i finally decided that i had to because it was killing me...

i made a million-gazillion lies for my mom just to cover up my skipping classes and wonderful travels. :) i loved it! :)

i tried riding a boat by my self when i was 19. haha! so proud...

i tried eating lots of my pride just to get on with the kind of supervisor i didn't like... (sad face)

i lied and did well on being the coolest, plastic person in a company i previously worked for... it's just that, i didn't like all of them. in a working environment, politics is a fad. there's corruption, favoritism, whoever has the best dress and the best plastic smile...or what not. ( i even got this from them and it's a good word on my word bank. thanks guys...)

i worked well with some of them. i like them because they value individuality and they respect you being distant when you think you need to. i was always a busy person at work...here's how:

...9:30 time in, opening of tools and watchingn the witchy supervisor coming through.

...10:00 super bored but with no choice. think about the money, mind over matter was helping a lot.

...11:00 yosi break. was really helping the pressure. the invincible pressure. but i did have my own force field to protect myself from it.

...2:00AM lunch break. didn't have all the time of the world to enjoy such; money matters and appetite...sometimes i didn't like to eat because i thought i was getting bigger. but hey! look at that bod! what was i thinking? anyone? haha! lol to the highest whatsoever.
*no. i enjoyed puffing and smoking all that i could sense as something that could help me get a better reason to be hospitalized and be asked to never report to work unless i get a complete rest. whew! i wanted that but never had.

...3:00 back to the floor (that's how they call our workstation) and back to business and tapping the keys to get more money on the 15th and 30th.

...4:00 2nd yosi break. same old, same old. i was the only female version of tough guy smoker on all back office agents. loved the quiet times.

...4:15 back from the clouds. work while robbing glimpses of my photo frame w/ the BTS faces on it. (it really helped me think i was just having a good drink and smoke machine momentum w/ them...)

...6:30 off. freedom! that's what i always shout coming out from our leaning over building. haha! liked it though. :)

there. i was really dead busy it might not state there. i think i missed some busy me working my butt off but i was really busy. take it from me guys...

i made serious mistakes while i was working there. mocking supervisors and the operations manager. i thought they deserved it. they're worst than anything in the world. im blurting this out w/ conviction. i was there. i had my own irritating share. no details but i'm not lying. saying bad things behind there stinking backs was so fun... lol.

i served w/ high recognition and respect more on the security guards they have. they're the best and honest speakers of english of all times. not for you probably because you were never there but believe me... hats off bosing!

but of all the back biting stuff i just made them feel...(even if they didn't. didn't even hit the bulls eye) all that mattered for me while i was enjoying the effects of my rebellion was work. earning money was a must.

now i'm home w/o a single penny in hand.

but hey...there's more. :)

SOMETIMES, WHAT WE THOUGHT WE NEEDED AND WANTED ARE NOT REALLY THE BEST FOR US. I KEEP ON TELLING THIS TO MY FRIENDS WHO THOUGHT I WAS HAVING A GREAT AND SWEET LIFE WHILE I WAS AWAY. IT'S TRUE THAT WE WILL NEVER LEARN UNLESS WE TRY TO THINK WE WANT IT, THEN GET IT, THEN FEEL AND SAVOR IT, AND REALIZE AT THE VERY LAST PART OF CHOKING THAT IT ISN'T THE RIGHT ONE FOR US.

YAH...WHAT'S THE POINT OF TELLING THIS STORY WHEN IT WONT EVEN SERVE US ALL GOOD OR EVEN MAKE SOMEONE FEEL BETTER...THE THING IS, I'M JUST TOO OVERWHELMED I THOUGHT I HAD TO CONSIDER THIS AN ENTRY. IT'S NOT FOR YOU. NOT FOR ANY FRIEND, AND NOT EVEN FOR MY OWN BLOG'S SAKE...IT'S MY WAY OF KEEPING MY STORY AND NO ONE'S GOING TO STOP ME FROM DOING IT. :)

REMEMBER THAT WE HAVE OUR OWN PRACTICED AND SNOBBED FREEDOM. I TRIED TO GET AND EXPERIENCE MINE ONCE AND DID HAVE IT BECAUSE I WAS COURAGEOUS ENOUGH. IT'S OKAY TO BE SCARED AT FIRST, YOU'RE HUMAN IF YOU DO FEEL IT...BUT YOU WILL NEVER SEE THE BIGGEST PART OF THE PICTURE IF YOU DONT TRY TO STRIP OFF WHAT NEEDS TO BE NAKED TO ONE'S OWN EYES. ALWAYS PUT IN MIND THE EXCITEMENT OF FIGURING OUT WHAT'S REALLY BEST FOR YOU. FIGURING OUT EITHER W/ HELP OR JUST BY YOURSELF. THIS WHOLE ADVENTURE THING SHOULD ALWAYS GO HAND IN HAND W/ YOUR WISEST DECISION. THE BEST ONE THAT YOU FEEL IS BEST. INTUITION MATTERS BY THE WAY... :)

ONE TIME I MADE A FUNNY STORY OF MYSELF... TOO BAD I DONT HAVE AN ACCESS RIGHT NOW... HAHA! I'LL TRY TO HACK IT ON MY PC IF I GET A CHANCE. MY PC AT HOME IS BUSTED. IT'S PENTIUM ONE.

ANYWAY...TOO MUCH DETAILS NOW...

THIS ENTRY IS NOT EVEN HALF OF WHAT I EXPERIENCED MY WHOLE 21 YEARS OF LIFE. THIS IS A TASTE OF WHAT I HAVE BECOME WHEN I LEARNED THAT THE WORLD IS REALLY ROUND. THE WORLD IS TURNING FASTER I ANTICIPATED IT.

ANXIETY

HATE

LONELINESS

DUMB

IRREGULAR

PERENNIAL

STUPID

AND FULL OF DRUNKEN MOMENTS

I KNEW...LIFE WAS STILL WORTH LIVING AFTER ALL.