the beast within... haha!

whats on ur blog? :)

hehe...

my story and how i call it a story now. anyone who would get their funny and no-choice chance to read this entry is lucky. why i think so?
it's simple. they get to read the worsest life ever and they would realize they had a better story line than i am. i dont even consider my life a failure entirely but a cheat sheet. i dont worry now as much as i worry almost about everything as before. :) here goes...

i was a gerkasaurus and a litlle morbid.

i died a couple of times and was brought to life after.

i jumped into different groups of our so-called friends and learned from each of them; from the happiest vices to the most disgusting...yah...i learned and even learned to love them.

i took a lot of risk and realized they're not worth it.

i made clumsy and hasty decisions...i almost lost myself.

i met thousands of faces and can't even imagine i was so friendly before. (sigh)

i accidentally chose the wrong friends and lost them when i thought i had to...which happened right out of my wits.

i even had my chance of being battered by my own holy mother of ***. (damn i dont want to remember...)

i fell unto snake pits i should hav decided not to but was too vulnerable and fragile (yes, i was).

i even tried to pull this little triger on this little helpless revolver i found from my mom's bag.

i tried to run away from school...not that i just tried...i did it when i finally decided that i had to because it was killing me...

i made a million-gazillion lies for my mom just to cover up my skipping classes and wonderful travels. :) i loved it! :)

i tried riding a boat by my self when i was 19. haha! so proud...

i tried eating lots of my pride just to get on with the kind of supervisor i didn't like... (sad face)

i lied and did well on being the coolest, plastic person in a company i previously worked for... it's just that, i didn't like all of them. in a working environment, politics is a fad. there's corruption, favoritism, whoever has the best dress and the best plastic smile...or what not. ( i even got this from them and it's a good word on my word bank. thanks guys...)

i worked well with some of them. i like them because they value individuality and they respect you being distant when you think you need to. i was always a busy person at work...here's how:

...9:30 time in, opening of tools and watchingn the witchy supervisor coming through.

...10:00 super bored but with no choice. think about the money, mind over matter was helping a lot.

...11:00 yosi break. was really helping the pressure. the invincible pressure. but i did have my own force field to protect myself from it.

...2:00AM lunch break. didn't have all the time of the world to enjoy such; money matters and appetite...sometimes i didn't like to eat because i thought i was getting bigger. but hey! look at that bod! what was i thinking? anyone? haha! lol to the highest whatsoever.
*no. i enjoyed puffing and smoking all that i could sense as something that could help me get a better reason to be hospitalized and be asked to never report to work unless i get a complete rest. whew! i wanted that but never had.

...3:00 back to the floor (that's how they call our workstation) and back to business and tapping the keys to get more money on the 15th and 30th.

...4:00 2nd yosi break. same old, same old. i was the only female version of tough guy smoker on all back office agents. loved the quiet times.

...4:15 back from the clouds. work while robbing glimpses of my photo frame w/ the BTS faces on it. (it really helped me think i was just having a good drink and smoke machine momentum w/ them...)

...6:30 off. freedom! that's what i always shout coming out from our leaning over building. haha! liked it though. :)

there. i was really dead busy it might not state there. i think i missed some busy me working my butt off but i was really busy. take it from me guys...

i made serious mistakes while i was working there. mocking supervisors and the operations manager. i thought they deserved it. they're worst than anything in the world. im blurting this out w/ conviction. i was there. i had my own irritating share. no details but i'm not lying. saying bad things behind there stinking backs was so fun... lol.

i served w/ high recognition and respect more on the security guards they have. they're the best and honest speakers of english of all times. not for you probably because you were never there but believe me... hats off bosing!

but of all the back biting stuff i just made them feel...(even if they didn't. didn't even hit the bulls eye) all that mattered for me while i was enjoying the effects of my rebellion was work. earning money was a must.

now i'm home w/o a single penny in hand.

but hey...there's more. :)

SOMETIMES, WHAT WE THOUGHT WE NEEDED AND WANTED ARE NOT REALLY THE BEST FOR US. I KEEP ON TELLING THIS TO MY FRIENDS WHO THOUGHT I WAS HAVING A GREAT AND SWEET LIFE WHILE I WAS AWAY. IT'S TRUE THAT WE WILL NEVER LEARN UNLESS WE TRY TO THINK WE WANT IT, THEN GET IT, THEN FEEL AND SAVOR IT, AND REALIZE AT THE VERY LAST PART OF CHOKING THAT IT ISN'T THE RIGHT ONE FOR US.

YAH...WHAT'S THE POINT OF TELLING THIS STORY WHEN IT WONT EVEN SERVE US ALL GOOD OR EVEN MAKE SOMEONE FEEL BETTER...THE THING IS, I'M JUST TOO OVERWHELMED I THOUGHT I HAD TO CONSIDER THIS AN ENTRY. IT'S NOT FOR YOU. NOT FOR ANY FRIEND, AND NOT EVEN FOR MY OWN BLOG'S SAKE...IT'S MY WAY OF KEEPING MY STORY AND NO ONE'S GOING TO STOP ME FROM DOING IT. :)

REMEMBER THAT WE HAVE OUR OWN PRACTICED AND SNOBBED FREEDOM. I TRIED TO GET AND EXPERIENCE MINE ONCE AND DID HAVE IT BECAUSE I WAS COURAGEOUS ENOUGH. IT'S OKAY TO BE SCARED AT FIRST, YOU'RE HUMAN IF YOU DO FEEL IT...BUT YOU WILL NEVER SEE THE BIGGEST PART OF THE PICTURE IF YOU DONT TRY TO STRIP OFF WHAT NEEDS TO BE NAKED TO ONE'S OWN EYES. ALWAYS PUT IN MIND THE EXCITEMENT OF FIGURING OUT WHAT'S REALLY BEST FOR YOU. FIGURING OUT EITHER W/ HELP OR JUST BY YOURSELF. THIS WHOLE ADVENTURE THING SHOULD ALWAYS GO HAND IN HAND W/ YOUR WISEST DECISION. THE BEST ONE THAT YOU FEEL IS BEST. INTUITION MATTERS BY THE WAY... :)

ONE TIME I MADE A FUNNY STORY OF MYSELF... TOO BAD I DONT HAVE AN ACCESS RIGHT NOW... HAHA! I'LL TRY TO HACK IT ON MY PC IF I GET A CHANCE. MY PC AT HOME IS BUSTED. IT'S PENTIUM ONE.

ANYWAY...TOO MUCH DETAILS NOW...

THIS ENTRY IS NOT EVEN HALF OF WHAT I EXPERIENCED MY WHOLE 21 YEARS OF LIFE. THIS IS A TASTE OF WHAT I HAVE BECOME WHEN I LEARNED THAT THE WORLD IS REALLY ROUND. THE WORLD IS TURNING FASTER I ANTICIPATED IT.

ANXIETY

HATE

LONELINESS

DUMB

IRREGULAR

PERENNIAL

STUPID

AND FULL OF DRUNKEN MOMENTS

I KNEW...LIFE WAS STILL WORTH LIVING AFTER ALL.

THE RAIN STARTED IT ALL

I'm not gonna write about the rain if you think so...

I'm looking at this cute stuff toy we bought yesterday and still can't figure out why sometimes our thoughts get flushed. I mean, all of us must have experienced this when our ideas are inevitably lost out of nowhere... I think the brain gets tired of waiting when we're still on the process of debating w/ our helpless fingers or humiliatingly convincing them to work for us. huh...lame right? And even w/ all the talking I did just a few millisecond ago I still can't catch my lost thoughts. (sigh)

This entry is so quiet you might wanna watch some of my past times. I don't recommend worst videos so quit it, just tick on that rotated triangle whatever if you want. free will.

*what happened to the video?!... ( i was uploading the video...while waiting i was playing my mobs...i went back and found out an error occured while i was uploading it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! my effort, my precious, precious effort...!)

CRAP. Sorry, I thought I was gonna show you guys one of my past times. Turned out...

Anyway, forever tune in to the lamest and cutest grotesque looking blog ever! XD

(bitter mode, dropped my face)

*this is really fun

STERIODS

hey... I wrote this poem when I was still normal and now that I'm not...I'm back to work. It's a pain trying to let go of something that makes us who we are. I can't simply imagine my life not keeping tab of anything that goes in and out of my mind. I'm such a recorder. There was even one time when...Ohh...too much details... :) well, here goes.

WHEN THE MAKE UP IS OFF,
THE SENSE IS ALSO WASHED AWAY.
WHEN WE SEE THE TWISTED PART,
WE HOLD ON TO A MALIGNANT DAZE.
PEOPLE, THE CROWD, AND OUR CONSCIENCE
SCRUTINIZES THE ACTIONS WE MAKE;
HASTY, PURPOSEFUL, AND NECESSARY.

THIS LFE WE ARE LIVING IS AUTHENTIC,
YET WE MAKE IT COMPLICATED.
WHY DO WE HAVE TO BE FOR OTHERS
WHEN ALL THAT WAS PLANNED WAS
TO BE WITH THEM..?

OUR CONFORMITY 'SHOUTS OUT' OUR HUMAN PURPOSE;
NAKED AND BLEEDING.

*dee

THE WORKS

I've been reading books since I wasn't out of the world yet. absurd, yes, you don't have to believe it.
Here are some of my thoughts...cut out of my brain.

TO EXIST

A passion for life, a longing and desire,
To see life as beautiful.
To breath in each moment
For it never comes again.

To sing when joyful,
To laugh when happy,
To dance when spirited,
To cry with full emotion.

Embracing the future,
To never hold back.
To rejoice in or pain,
That has made us grow strong.

To love only selflessly,
To give unconditionally,
To trust in the one
Who gave us our souls.

To exist with meaning,
To live life with pleasure and feeling,
To capture each second...
FOR IT NEVER COMES AGAIN..


TRUE PEACE

A twisted part of my soul broke off tonight.
The flesh and its value, the part I always
thought was right.
The stitches in my heart broke loose again.
I never found my value, much too worn and thin.
I don't know how much, but this I see
that He is stronger and I am weak
And through my selfishness and all my sin,
I struggle to find what's deep within;
To find what gives me peace.
I have searched my soul a thousand times
and I will scrape it clean again,
until I find true peace.
I am growing up, but still so small
and this heart that bleeds would give it all
To be broken down, and molded again,
turned inside out and 're-put' in,
until I find peace, until I find his peace.

\m/ _dee

HOME

THE DECISION OF GOING BACK TO DUMAGUETE IS FINAL. (wow...i can't believe i'm running now) OR NOT. I COULD CALL IT RUNNING OR TO MAKE IT MORE SAFE FOR MY NAME...I CALL IT, SAVING THE REST OF MY LIFE. HAHA! IT'S REALLY KILLING ME. YAH...MY FRIENDS WILL SURELY ASK ME WHY I MADE SUCH DECISION TO STOW-AWAY AND FLEE TO CEBU AND INDEPENDENTLY FACE A WORLD OF MONSTERS, TOO MUCH RAIN, AND CANDY CANES . I VOWED TO DEFEAT BEING A PRISONER FROM MY dictator MOM AND GET A HOLD OF MY FREEDOM...TRAPPED IN A STINKING JAR(that's how I thought it was).

BUT NOW, EVERYTHING JUST TURNED AROUND. I HAD TO GO BACK. IT WAS PROBABLY A WRONG CHOICE TO BREAK OFF HOUSE RULES BUT I SHOULD NOT DENY THIS...I LEARNED. :) WHAT I HAVE IN MIND NOW IS, I NEED MY OLD SIMPLE LIFE BACK. I'M NOT READY. MY TEAM AND SUPERVISOR EVEN SAID "YOU'RE SO YOUNG..."(another safe one. ME again on the lime light. :) BUT NOBODY'S 'YOUNG' WHEN IT COMES TO PURPOSE. I BELIEVE EVERYTHING HAPPENED ON PURPOSE.

GOD ALLOWED ME TO ENTER INTO SUCH GAMBLE AND LEARN THAT I'LL NEED MORE ACES TO WIN IT(am i getting this right?). HE MADE ME REALIZE HOW HARD IT IS TO RUN WAY FROM YOUR PROBLEMS AND FIND OUT YOU'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO FIX IT EVEN W/ YOUR NEW ENVIRONMENT. THAT'S WHY I PLAN TO GET THIS ALL DONE AND JUST GO HOME...REST, FIND ANOTHER JOB, AND FINISH SCHOOL.

BEHIND THIS ENTRY IS MY OLD DAYS AND HOW I MANAGED TO ESCAPE. EVEN THE SECOND PLACE I RAN INTO IS NOT SAFE. SO, I GUESS MY ADVENTURE IN CEBU IS DONE;THOUGH IT WAS NOT ENTIRELY A NIGHTMARE...(kat2 was w/ me the whole time...one thing I HAVE TO BE THANKFUL FOR.)
IT'S TRUE, THIS MIGHT SOUND OLD SCHOOL BUT "LIFE IS WHAT WE MAKE IT." IT ALL MATTERS ON OUR CHOICES.

ANOTHER WAY TO MAKE ME REALIZE...TWICE.

(sigh).

(sigh).

(sigh).

drowning pool

Something takes a part of me.

Something lost and never seen.
Every time I start to believe.
Something's raped and taken from me.
Life's kinda always been messing with me.
Can't they chill and let me be free?
Can't I take away all this pain?
I try to every night, all in vain.
Sometimes I cannot take this place.
Sometimes it's my life I can't taste.
Sometimes I cannot feel my face.
You'll never see me fall from grace.
Something takes a part of me.
You and I were meant to be.
A cheap f*** for me to lay.
Something takes a part of me.
Feeling like a freak on a leash.
You wanna see the light?
Feeling like I have no release.
How many times have I felt diseased?
You wanna see the light?
Nothing in my life is free.
Sometimes I cannot take this place.
Sometimes it's my life I can't taste.
Sometimes I cannot feel my face.
You'll never see me fall from grace.
Something takes a part of me.
You and I were meant to be.
A cheap f*** for me to lay.
Something takes a part of me...

introduction. :)
i was just singing but the song said a lot that i could not.
well, it does help venting it all out.

sound of subversion

another day huh... life is running at 00,000,00 seconds and counting. (yah, what's up w/ the numbers...) my world is considered under distress at signal no. 'to the highest exponential' whatever. (sigh) i dont know what needs to be done at the moment to fuel my engine. i'm too scared to face my fears...w/ work, w/ my life's complexities, and w/other things that i think i'm having hibbie chibbies... i want to do something about it but i'm weaker than weak batteries. (puff) :) smoking really gives me extra spaces around my brain. hehe... what a sloth. hmm. i need to buy some time. i feel so lame...don't you think?

TOO MUCH TO HANDLE

HEY. I'm asking myself not to mind what just happened few hours ago. I don't like the feeling of being trapped in a body of a cowardly and scardy cat. I'm alone. I mean, I'm the only normal-breathing person in our room right now. People I'm with are really busy controlling this SNORRING SYNDROME. haha! This has been an attacking night because my girlfriend, including myself, and two of our friends just got the taste of existing evil. Haha! Don't believe me, please... You don't have to sweat it. TRUE. Very terrifying...i know...just by the sound of it. Such an ass, we were really scared. My girlfriend was saying things that really shaked my knees to it's extent. (yah, this is fun mode) Truly, one good advice from me, "daze, never play w/ the fire-eaters." hehe... :)

YOU MIGHT WANNA CONSIDER THIS TOO.

ps. me not catching attention.
haha!